Huw Le Lytle answers all your questions in his column of wit and wisdom, For the Asking!
Huw’s for the asking!
BY Huw Le Lytle
In today’s questions …
Whiskers and Weather
Q: Dear Huw, where do women get their chin hair? Does it grow faster at night and can it produce its own seed for fuller, thicker beards?
– Cindy, Mannington, West Virginia, USA
A: Dear Cindy, thank you for this question. I am of course a big fan of beards and as far as I can tell all the best individuals are sporting beards at varying stages of achievement. A beard is also very handy as it is always at your disposal should you need to quickly swear an oath: “Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!” And a beard might also be a good second income, although maybe not. Bearded ladies earned a modest living in 19th century carnivals. However, they weren’t the stand-out stars the other performers turned out to be. Apparently no-one was particularly bothered by a bearded lady and nobody doubted she was real, and so it backfired in terms of creating any scandal. Just like Simon Cowell and X-Factor today, to get people watching and talking about the show, and turning up to visit or watch it, you need to manufacture some scandal. And so, to try and get people interested in coming to see his bearded lady, PT Barnum (one of the biggest circus operators of the day) actually hired someone to sue him for false advertising, saying that his bearded lady was “humbug” and just a man in a dress. PT Barnum won (or is that lost), and the court ruled that she was indeed a woman. But scandal or not, grooming is of course still important. That said, really the only time I see a need for a bit of a trim is if my beard is accumulating some of my cheese snacks. I mean, why would I want to waste my food by leaving it in my beard? That reminds me of a famous fable about keeping up appearances. It is the story of a noble man who had fallen on hard times, so hard in fact that he had nothing to eat. But every lunch-time he would sprinkle crumbs of bread into his beard so it would look like he’d had a grand lunch. And then he would parade through the streets for everyone to see. So perhaps it is handy to have a beard in which to put one’s crumbs after all. There are lots of different reasons for chin hair to appear, but I think the most likely reason is that it is to keep a person warm and stylish. The experts assure me, however, that hair does not grow faster at night, unless it is red, because red goes faster. Or maybe that’s cars. But I did read somewhere that morning people have fuller hair. But that might have been a load of internet inanity. I think whether your beard has its own seed depends upon where you walk. The other day we ended up with lots of seeds in our beards, but on any other day, no seeds at all. Beards, like fashion, are fickle.
Q: Dear Huw, I find that I don’t like walking in the rain. Do you?
– FP, Durham, UK
A: Dear FP, that is indeed an interesting question. And, like a lawyer, my answer is “it depends”. You see, for the most part, Bedlingtons don’t do rain. But like everything in life, it is never that simple. Because with sunshine comes park pandemonium – picnics and sunbathing and crowds and my park is overtaken with bodies everywhere and almost nowhere to run. But with rain, the picnics are bundled up, the bodies take cover, and we have almost the whole park to ourselves! So I guess, in the interests of a precise answer, I do not like walking in the rain, but I do like park zoomies in the rain. Of course, there are limits. I do not like heavy rain. In fact, it was days before I forgave Deputy for once insisting it was just going to be a light shower and I was caught in hail instead. So, do I like walking in rain? No and yes.
Bedlingtons do do cuddles
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Categories: Features, For the Asking
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